Dear CG1413,
I have nowhere to turn to and I figured some anonymous help would be good.
I recently got into an argument with my girlfriend. We were talking on the phone when she started laughing about some guy who was chatting with her on msn messenger. I initially thought it was some harmless event and laughed before continuing our initial conversation.
However, a few minutes later, she suddenly asked me for help when the person she was talking to had asked her for her phone number, pictures and address. He was even making sexual advances on her. Concerned, I asked her to immediately cancel the conversation and block the person from her contact lists.
I was puzzled as to how this conversation topic came up if she had already known the person and when I asked her, she told me that she didn't know the person and was just playing around with him before it happened.
Upon hearing that, I, in a fit of anger, scolded her for being so irresponsible, and that she deserved being sexually harassed since she had started it. She then retorted that she didn't start the whole conversation and that it wasn't her fault. Irritated, I replied that she shouldn't have played around with other unknown people in the first place. After a few more replies, we hung up annoyed and frustrated with the other.
A few days later, I heard from a mutual friend that she was actually asking for help and wanted consolation when she brought up the topic during the conversation.
What could I have done to prevent this misunderstanding in the future?
And what can I do to help resolve this?
Troubled
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Dear Troubled,
ReplyDeleteUpon reading your letter, I got a feeling that you have regretted your previous actions and would want to console your girlfriend.
As her boyfriend, I could understand your feeling at that point of time; wanting to protect your girlfriend from harm's way. But you should have controlled your feelings and not get angry over it. She may be wrong to play around with strangers on MSN, but the way you tell her off obviously did not seem to go well with her. She has already expressed her help to you when she encountered the sexual hints. (She may be very scared at that point of time)
Instead of getting angry and scolding her, you should respond in a more calming matter to reassure her that everything going to be fine. And then firmly tell her not to do it again. Given her terrible experience, I doubt that she would try it again.
Since the damage has been done, you should try to meet with her and give her a formal explanation.
1) Tell her that you got angry and scold her because you are being too overprotective. You got carried away by your feelings which led to the misunderstanding.
2) Apologise to her and assure her that you would be more sensitive in the future.
3) Reassure her that everything going to be fine and remind her tactfully not to try it again.
To prevent such things from happening in the future, always remember to stay calm and not let your feelings get the better of you. Be more sensitive and everything should be fine.
Regard,
Kevin Lin
I felt that your immediate action on that unfaithful day, was the right thing to do. To shut off the conversation is the best way to prevent the latter from further harassing your girlfriend. However, your accusation of her saying that she "deserved to be harassed...had started it..." was really uncalled for. In any case, accusation without evidence is rude and detrimental to any relationship; the damage to the psychological mind of the victim often is far more than what we can imagine.
ReplyDeleteWhat you could do now is simply, to accept that you are wrong, and offer a sincere apology.If you truly love her, then pride is something that you should be able to put down, able to sacrifice for her.Have a good heart to heart talk with her, and i am sure things will turn out fine for you!
Dear Troubled,
ReplyDeleteAllow me to give a few suggestions on how you could resolve this conflict.
As a boyfriend, it is normal to get upset when your girlfriend fools around with another guy. So I can totally understand why you got angry. However, at the moment, you failed to realize what actually happened. The conversation was initiated by the guy. Your girlfriend was just playing along (maybe she should not have). She did not expect the guy to cross the line.
Now that you are all calm and cool, you should ring up your girlfriend and arrange for a meet up. A face to face chat is better as it leaves nothing implied. Apologize first as you should not have yelled at her. Tell her the reason for your outburst so that she will understand. Put in emotions in whatever you say so that she knows you are concerned about her and do not want anything bad to happen to her.
On the other hand, explain to her that she should not be playing around with strangers and it was also a mistake on her part. Tell her that some people might interpret it in a very wrong way just like in this incident.
In the future, if you encounter such situations again, remember not to act on impulse. Take a deep breath and a few minutes to cool off. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and you will know how to react.
Dear Troubled,
ReplyDeleteI understand that your anger on that day came from your impulse to protect the girlfriend, however that is not the right way. Your girlfriend was in enough trouble, and she was looking for your protection, not your scolding.
Since what's done is done, you should try to apologize to her as soon as possible and explain to her that your outburst came from how you want to protect her. Apologize that you have expressed it in the wrong way, and assure that you will be more careful in the future.
I am sure that she will understand your feeling, and accept your apology. After that you can try to solve the problem of the stranger on the net together with her. Hope that this will help you get back to your girlfriend :).
Regards,
Louis
Dear Troubled,
ReplyDeleteUpon reading your letter, I think that you are at fault though your girlfriend is also not totally right. When she asked you for help you shouldn’t have yelled at her. You should have stayed calm and not be carried away by your emotions. I understand you got angry because she is your girlfriend and you care for her. But then you overreacted by saying statement like: “her for being so irresponsible, and that she deserved being sexually harassed since she had started it”. You should have tried to console her and tried to help her out instead. Later on, once that matter was over you could have explained to her that she shouldn’t talk to unknown people.
Now since what is done can’t be undone, you should try to call her and meet her personally. Explain the circumstances and reassure her that everything would be fine now.
To avoid things like this from next time, try to calm down before reacting. Try to be sensitive and careful when you are dealing with such situations. Don’t let your emotions rule you at times.
Hope this helps you to solve your problem and helps you analyse the situation better.
Best Regard,
Nitika